New York Rangers Update

The New York Rangers still in first place with 13 points.

End update.

Need for M$ Office Training at the UN

Well, we guess there is an upside to having your organization run by inept, third world bureaucrats.

THE United Nations withheld some of the most damaging allegations against Syria in its report on the murder of Rafik Hariri, the former Lebanese Prime Minister, it emerged yesterday.

The names of the brother of Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, and other members of his inner circle, were dropped from the report that was sent to the Security Council.

The confidential changes were revealed by an extraordinary computer gaffe because an electronic version distributed by UN officials on Thursday night allowed recipients to track editing changes.

That's right. Because they didn't know how to turn off the "track changes" feature in Micro$oft Word, everybody gets to see how the UN higher ups doctored the Mehlis report in order to protect the Syrian thugs responsible for Hariri's murder.

"The Conscience of the World" indeed...

Dumbasses.

Evolving Empathy

The fascinating thing about dogs is how they have evolved to fill a particular evolutionary niche, that of human companion. As any dog owner will tell you, canines have, or at least appear to have real feelings and can respond to emotions in humans. And they're very clever.

Dogs and humans have developed a symbiotic relationship over the past several thousand years to the point where we both manipulate each other. George Carlin once said that dogs have so much emotional power over us because dogs have eyebrows. And they use them to great effect; to express to humans anger, sadness, happiness.

Think of how dogs had to evolve over time to occupy the place they do now. If you are a Pliestocene human and some animal came over and tried to grab your food, how would you react? But over the years dogs became "smarter," at least in the realm of emotional intelligence. So they could read humans and get them to take the dogs in and actually give them food. It's a brilliant evolutionary strategy. One that the canine ancestor, the wolf, does not posess.

..the canines were given the opportunity to try to remove a piece of meat from under a cage by pulling on a rope in the presence of their caregiver. Dogs and wolves both mastered this promptly. Then the rope was anchored, making it impossible to obtain the meat. The dogs tried a couple of times, then turned to their masters for assistance or cues. The wolves ignored their caregivers, yanking on the rope until exhausted.

"The wolves ... were only interested in the meat," notes Miklosi. "The dogs were of course interested in the meat, but knew that one way to get it might be to figure out what the human wants them to do."

I'm only in it for the biscuits...

More Wacky Headlines

WNBA star Swoopes says she's lesbian

“I feel like I’ve been living a lie,” the Houston Comets star said in an interview with The Associated Press. “I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m very happy, very content. I’m finally OK with the idea of who I love, who I want to be with.”

Somehow, Kid Various believes this could only be a news story if the headline read: "WNBA Star Says She's NOT A Lesbian."

What's next? Are we going to be shocked by the news that LPGA golfers prefer the company of women? CAN'T BE!

(all except that Michelle Wie...ROWR!!!) Wie's 16 years old, strike that. But watch this space for the "Michelle Wie Legal Countdown Clock"

Get Your Stinkin' Paws Off Me You Damn Dirty Ape!

Scientists Study Gorilla Who Uses Tools

Stanley inks endorsement deal with Congolese ape.

GOMA, Congo - An infant gorilla in a Congo sanctuary is smashing palm nuts between two rocks to extract oil, surprising and intriguing scientists who say they have much to learn about what gorillas can do — and about what that says about evolution.

It had been thought that the premeditated use of stones and sticks to accomplish a task like cracking nuts was restricted to humans and the smaller, more agile chimpanzees.

Itebero, new Stanley Tools Spokes-Ape

Apparently gorillas are smarter than we thought.

Or maybe this is some sort of freak genius ape!

Maybe she's so smart she'll give birth to a brood of intelligent gorillas like Ceasar, who'll go on to found Ape City and enslave humanity!!!

And those mad fool scientists are letting her keep that rock??? When will mankind learn???

Damn you! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

NY Ranger Update

The New York Rangers.

STILL in first place with 10 points.

End update.

ID? We Don't Need No Stinkin' ID!

Oh this is BULLSH*IT!

ATLANTA, Ga. - A federal judge Tuesday blocked Georgia from enforcing a new state law requiring voters to show photo identification at the polls.

In issuing the preliminary injunction, U.S. District Judge Harold Murphy said the law amounts to an unconstitutional poll tax because the state is not doing enough to make ID cards available to those who cannot afford them.

Any time we (Republicans) try to do something to ensure that people who are voting are actually qualified voters in their precincts, people scream "voter suppression!"

What Dems don't realise (or rather "do" realise but find inconvenient to acknowledge) is that the flip side to voter suppression is voter fraud. And that every vote of every person who votes more than he/she is entiteld to is just as damaging to the system as a person illegally denied their right to vote. Is it really such an onerous burden to require someone to show a photo ID in order to maintain the integrity of the system?

Some of the sloppiness that makes fraud and foul-ups in election counts possible seems to be built into the system by design. The "Motor Voter Law," the first piece of legislation signed into law by President Clinton upon entering office, imposed fraud-friendly rules on the states by requiring driver's license bureaus to register anyone applying for licenses, to offer mail-in registration with no identification needed, and to forbid government workers to challenge new registrants, while making it difficult to purge "deadwood" voters (those who have died or moved away). In 2001, the voter rolls in many American cities included more names than the U.S. Census listed as the total number of residents over age eighteen. Philadelphia's voter rolls, for instance, have jumped 24 percent since 1995 at the same time that the city's population has declined by 13 percent. CBS's 60 Minutes created a stir in 1999 when it found people in California using mail-in forms to register fictitious people, or pets, and then obtaining absentee ballots in their names. By this means, for example, the illegal alien who assassinated the Mexican presidential candidate Luis Donaldo Colosio was registered to vote in San Pedro, California — twice.

Of course, Georgia is light years ahead of New Jersey on the matter. In Georgia, you have to give them something, at least a Blockbuster card. New Jersey law does not require you to show any form of identification to vote.

Man we can't even clean the voter rolls of dead people!

VOTER SUPPRESSION!!!

SHARON!!!

SHARON!!! What are you doing on the bloody, f**king Supreme Court?

Is is just me? Nah, can't be.

What's In A Name?

As regular readers of the Idiom know, the Scriblerus household was recently blessed with a new baby. After much deliberation, Mrs. Scriblerus and I clept Scriblerus fils with a solid but prosaic name. Of course we are not celebrities. But now that I think about it we've got to change this baby's name, why should I deprive my child of a moniker worthy of a celebrity?!?

How does this sound?

Kal-El Apple Scriblerus

That's perfect! No wonder celebrities are so much better than us, honey get the white out!

Paging Bobby Trendy

This weekend, after drinking one of these made with this, Mr. Surly actually said the following while visiting Stately Scriblerus Manor:

"I so have to have your place settings," followed by:

"I am totally stealing your living room color!"

While it is a well-known fact that Mr. Surly has the alcohol tolerance of a 12-year-old girl, WARNING! Drinking may unleash Surly's internal interior decorator! Don't worry, Mrs. Scriblerus assured him he could have the swatches and we cut him off before he started making throw pillows.

Trendy or Surly?

What The Deuce?

To paraphrase Stewie Gilligan Griffin - "What the deuce???"

A guy with ties to a radical islamic mosque and Zacharias Moussaoui blows himself up outside a University of Oklahoma football game and Kid Various doesn't hear about it for 8 days?

4) Hinrichs' roomate, Fazal M. Cheema, was a Pakistani national and neighbors claim the apartment was a center of activity for Middle Easterners. He is described as a 'really nice guy' by his friends. Unfortunately, all terrorists are described this way by their friends. NEIN now reports that Cheema and his associates may have been on the FBI's terror watch list.

5) Hinrichs attempted to buy a large amount of ammonium nitrate, a key ingredient in large explosives such as the first World Trade Center bombings or the Oklahoma City Murrah Federal Building bombing.

6) Hinrichs was later known to the FBI because of his attempted purchase.

7) Evidence at the scene of the bombing suggests that shrapenel was part of the bomb. This is a strong indication that Hinrichs planned to kill more than himself.

8) Witnesses now report Hinrich may have attempted to enter the OU football game, but that he fled when security attempted to check his backpack

Where the f*ck is the media on this?

Oh, here.

Joel Henry Hinrichs III who blew himself up last Saturday at a U. of Oklahoma
footbal game after his attempts to kill mass numbers of people psycho-kinetically
with his giant, oversized brain apparently failed.
Seriously, this guy looks like a Talosian.

Show Us Where The Angel Touched You, Jimmy

More children die every year drowning in swimming pools than in firearms accidents. Yet parents seem to get their panties in a wad when they find that the neighbors have a gun in the house, yet seem less concerned about "swimming pool control."

The point being that we've all gone way too far with the protecting children thing. Do you know what the odds are of your child being molested by an adult? They're infintesmal! But we're becoming ridiculous paranoids. As evidenced by this list of "traits" exhibited by child molesters. ^{Hat Tip Dr. Helen}

Hell, Kid Various embodies a number of these traits, and not only does he not want to shtup your kid - he doesn't want your kid to be anywhere around him! (Especially on an airplane)

So parental units - BEWARE....

Adults who seem preoccupied with children

Kid Various is preoccupied with children. Specifically, why are they always around him?

Single adults who work or volunteer with children's clubs/activities and frequently spend their free time doing "special" things with kids

Adults who spend time volunteering with youth groups who do not have children in those groups.

Kid Various isn't spending any of his spare time do-gooding for any little snot factories. However, God forbid we encourage anyone joining the Big Brothers program or something.

Adults who seem to engage in frequent contact with children, i.e., casual touching, caressing, wrestling, tickling, combing hair or having children sit on their lap

There's that fat, bearded guy with the red suit at the mall. He's got, like, 100 kids sitting in his lap. SEIZE HIM!!!

Adults who act like children when with children or who allow children to do questionable or inappropriate things

Kid Various acts like a child when children are around. Kid Various acts like a child when children are not around (to which his litany of girlfriends will attest.) And as far as inappropriate things go, if your children asked him "Could we have some chocolate cake for breakfast?" The Kid would probably respond, "Whatever does it for ya kid..."

Adults who want to take your children on special outings too frequently or plan activities that would include being alone with your child

Yes! Make sure your child is never out of your sight!

Adults who do not have children and seem to know too much about the current fads or music popular with children

Oh, is it too much to ask that anyone over 30 could possibly be hip? Kid Various is wearing his giant fucking pants around his ass right now!

Adults that your children seem to like for reasons you don't understand

Maybe because they're not total paranoid bitches and/or dickwads.

Adults who seem able to infiltrate family and social functions or are "always available" to watch your kids

YOU: Grandma? What are you doing here???

GRANDMA: Well, it's Thanksgiving and you invited me over...

YOU: SEIZE HER!!!


UPDATE: Welcome Instapundit readers! It really does pump up the site meter doesn't it?

Of course, due to being preoccupied with other current events, Kid Various didn't even notice for a day that we had been linked, and Mr. Surly and Mr. Scriblerus failed to "leverage" our new exposure. For anyone who still might be appearing here - we specialize in two different types of posts.

#1 - Thoughtful pieces about The War.

#2 - Humourous pieces on animal sex.

Please look around.

When Outcome Based Policies Run Amok

One of the few reasons Kid Various needs to move to Denmark. Apparently, if you are disabled, the Danish government will pay hookers to have sex with you.

The official 'Sex, irrespective of disability' campaign pays sex workers to provide sex once a month for disabled people.

Which is more than most married people…ba dum bum!

…Stig Langvad of the country's Disabled Association said the politicians critical of the plan are showing "double standards".

He said: "The disabled must have the same possibilities as other people. Politicians can debate whether prostitution should be allowed in general, instead of preventing only the disabled from having access to it."

Surely, not being able to get any sex because you’re a total loser must be classified as a disability, right? We mean one could not discriminate against mental disabilities any more than one could with physical ones. And since, when it comes to women, The Kid is completely mentally disabled by inertia and fear, he has to resort to Government to make sure that he has just as much sex as other people!

Finally, Kid Various can hone in on the disability racket. Can he get one of those hand tags for his car?

The article goes on to say that the care givers for the disabled may be needed to help interpret the desires of the client.

The legal guidelines advise: "It could be of great importance that the carer speaks to the prostitute together with the person in their care, to help them express their wishes."

That’s got to be awkward when you’re cruising 8^th Avenue in your motorized wheelchair…

“Hey baby, you wanna date?”

“TIMMAY!!!”

“He’d like the ‘Dirty Sanchez’”

Can get laid in Denmark

More Wacky Headlines

From today's NY Times

To More Inmates, Life Term Means Dying Behind Bars

Um, what's it supposed to mean?

Just a few decades ago, a life sentence was often a misnomer, a way to suggest harsh punishment but deliver only 10 to 20 years.

But now, driven by tougher laws and political pressure on governors and parole boards, thousands of lifers are going into prisons each year, and in many states only a few are ever coming out, even in cases where judges and prosecutors did not intend to put them away forever.

If judges and prosecutors didn't intend to put them away forever, why did they give them life???

Those Bastards Finally Did It!

Kid Various has not been in a position lately to cover the return of NHL hockey and, somehow, he missed the fact that in July the NHL owners signed on to the most sweeping changes in the history of the game including instituting the dreaded shoot out.

Jim at Parkway Rest Stop pointed this out when a Devils game he recently attended resulted in a 3-2 win for New Jersey against the Fishsticks in an overtime shoot out.

They've been talking about this for years, and now those bastards have finally done it.

Shoot outs are not hockey. It's like deciding a basketball game with a free throw competition. A team that wins on a shoot out has not beaten the other team. Unlike sports like basketball, where extending the game clock an additional two minutes would likely produce a different result, when you win a hockey game 4-3, you outplayed the other team.

Now 60 minutes of tough, gruelling hockey means nothing because your goalie let one through the 5 hole.

It's a travesty! What the hell was wrong with ties? Two teams - evenly matched - walk away with a point each. One that they earned. If ties are so bad expand the overtime period, or make them play three on three.

And what about real penalty shots? A penalty shot is one of the most exciting and nerve-racking moments in the game, and correspondingly rare. Deciding games by shoot out diminishes the excitement of the penalty shot.

Jesus just accept the tie already! In case Kid Various is not making himself clear, let him clarify...

Shoot outs are for pussies and soccer players!

But the Kid wanders into redundancy.

Good grief!

(And Kid Various is not thrilled with the elimination of the two-line pass rule either. It doesn't open up the neutral zone that much and now every time defenders get in trouble they'll just chip it up ice.)

P.S. Oh yeah... LET'S GO RANGERS!!!!

Panda Fails To Catch "Yellow Fever"

Sadly, after 1 and one half years of preparations, Mexican Giant Panda Shaun Shaun failed to "get it on" with suave, yet inscrutable Japanese Giant Panda Ling Ling.

Shuan Shuan, 18 and born in Mexico, was flown back from Japan earlier this week, dashing hopes that a far eastern romance might get her pregnant, after attempts to spark chemistry with Beijing-born Ling Ling, 20, fizzled out.

"We couldn't get them to mate," said Mexico City zoo director Rafael Tinajero sadly.

Despite all the beatings and tequila.

Keepers hoped romance would blossom between Shuan Shuan and Ling Ling after the pair seemed to flirt -- urinating, sniffing and eyeing each other -- on past trips Ling Ling made to Mexico to provide sperm for artificial insemination.

Urinating never worked for Kid Various either...

A scene from "Panda Ass Masters IV"
Despite liberal use of panda porn,
Ling Ling just wasn't that interested.

Although it was reported that Ling Ling (who's relatively unknown in America but is HUGE in Japan) felt that Shaun Shaun was a very nice girl, he just "wasn't that into her."

The vagaries of panda attraction remain ever a mystery.

Or perhaps not.

Shuan Shuan was on heat twice during her sojourn at Tokyo's Ueno zoo but Ling Ling seemed put off by the fact his new lady friend weighed 30 kg (66 lbs) more than him, Tinajero said.

Oh now we get it...


Geez, would it have killed Shaun Shaun to get on the stairmaster a couple of times a week?

"It makes us sad, but what can we do?" said her keeper, Joel Frias, as he prepared her lunch -- a stew of rice, mashed apple, grated carrots, chicken bits and chopped nopal cactus.

How about Nutrisystem^TM?