The Idiom

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Economy Given Big Boost By Ramadan Shopping Season

Have you seen the 300th anniversary issue of The Onion?

Dude, seriously.

Let's All Take a Shower

Political correctness continues unabated across the globe, but it's apparently running out of good targets.

'Brainstorming', the buzz term used by executives to generate ideas among their
staff, has been deemed politically incorrect by civil servants because it is
thought to be offensive to people with brain disorders. Instead
staff at the Department of Enterprise, Trade and Investment (DETI) in Belfast
will use the term 'thought-showers' when they get together to think creatively.
A spokeswoman said: 'The DETI does not use the term brainstorming on its
training courses on the grounds that it may be deemed pejorative.'

Unbelieveable. Thought showers! These thought shower sessions will start with someone yelling "Let's all take a shower!" in the words of the late great Rodney Dangerfield. Um, let's not. In related news, staff at the DMV must now be nicer to customers and address them as "Mr." or "Ms." Asswipe.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

New! Purina....Brains!!!

No way! Scientists have created zombie dogs!

SCIENTISTS have created eerie zombie dogs, reanimating the canines after several hours of clinical death in attempts to develop suspended animation for humans...

The animals are considered scientifically dead, as they stop breathing and have no heartbeat or brain activity.

But three hours later, their blood is replaced and the zombie dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock.

Of course, Kid Various has had zombie dogs for quite some time...

Who Wants To Be A Turkish Millionaire?

Has anyone ever noticed that if you have a million dollars you're a millionaire in the U.S. but not by British standards since you only have 552,049 pounds?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Are You Freakin' Kidding?

Kid Various would like to remind some people that there is a freakin' war on!

Three of the four broadcast networks had yet to decide late Monday whether they would carry President Bush's speech on Iraq Tuesday in front of soldiers in Fort Bragg, N.C. By then, only ABC had said it would carry the address...

CBS, NBC and Fox all said they would decide sometime Tuesday whether to carry the speech. Concerns centered on the potential newsworthiness of the speech and the fact that it was being given not in the Oval Office but far from Washington...

But that might not be the only reason for the networks' holdout. While CBS was in repeats at 8 p.m., NBC was faced with the possibility of having to pre-empt or reschedule the heavily promoted original reality series "Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back."
Average Joe? How f'ing sad are we?

We’re Here. We’re Queer. Give Us A Fish

Penguins. We love ‘em. They’re like birds, but wearing tuxedos. How can you not love that?

Wendell and Cass, two penguins at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island, Brooklyn, live in a soap opera world of seduction and intrigue. Among the 22 male and 10 female African black-footed penguins in the aquarium's exhibit, tales of love, lust and betrayal are the norm. These birds mate for life. But given the disproportionate male-female ratio at the aquarium, some of the females flirt profusely and dump their partners for single males with better nests.

Yeah, Kid Various knows all about that!

Wendell and Cass, however, take no part in these cunning schemes. They have been completely devoted to each other for the last eight years. In fact, neither one of them has ever been with anyone else, says their keeper, Stephanie Mitchell.

But the partnership of Wendell and Cass adds drama in another way. They're both male. That is to say, they're gay penguins.

The keepers at the NY Aquarium better start checking for “meth beak” pretty soon.

Wendell & Cass. Gay penguins. Cass is the butch one.

But here’s the thing that’s gonna get Focus on the Family all riled up.

At the Central Park Zoo, Silo and Roy, two male Chinstrap penguins, have been in an exclusive relationship for four years. Last mating season, they even fostered an egg together.

"They got all excited when we gave them the egg," said Rob Gramzay, senior keeper for polar birds at the zoo. He took the egg from a young, inexperienced couple that hatched an extra and gave it to Silo and Roy. "And they did a really great job of taking care of the chick and feeding it."

Good lord! First the ten commandments can’t be displayed in a Kentucky courtroom and now New York State is allowing gay penguins to adopt???

So this is why September 11th happened. God lifted his “veil of protection” because there are gay penguins out there raising vulnerable penguin chicks who will be indoctrinated into the sodomite penguin lifestyle! How much longer can America hold out? How long until the beaches of Fire Island are packed with flightless, aquatic birds sunning themselves and participating in all sorts of hedonistic deviltry?

But He Who Steals My Good Name...

Speaking of Deep Throat, did anyone catch that interview with L. Patrick Gray, the FBI Director who got the job Mark Felt thought he should have? Take a look at the post at Captain's Quarters.

Felt described Gray as a political hack to Woodward and Bernstein in their series of clandestine meetings, but during the day worked on apple-polishing to put Gray at ease. The ruse worked so well that Gray refused to fire Felt even after the White House requested his termination on several occasions. Gray didn't even consider giving Felt a polygraph to determine if the leaks came from him, because he felt it would be too degrading for such an upstanding agent to have to endure such a test of loyalty.

At the heart of Gray's disillusionment was his belief in Mark Felt as the ultimate FBI agent -- daring, competent, erudite, and most of all loyal.
This sound familiar to anyone?

To be produced--as, if I stay, I shall--
Against the Moor: for, I do know, the state,
However this may gall him with some cheque,
Cannot with safety cast him, for he's embark'd
With such loud reason to the Cyprus wars,
Which even now stand in act, that, for their souls,
Another of his fathom they have none,
To lead their business: in which regard,
Though I do hate him as I do hell-pains.
Yet, for necessity of present life,
I must show out a flag and sign of love,
Which is indeed but sign.
Oh man! Mark Felt wasn't Deep Throat, he was Iago!

Man, if kid Various were Gray, even at 88 years old, he'd grab that hankerchief and throttle Felt.

If You Are Not With Me...

Although we're all probably Deep Throated-out, Bob Woodward has an interesting article entitled "How Mark Felt Became Deep Throat."

Well, there was this epic battle with Obi-Wan, you see...

Thursday, June 23, 2005



E-tumbleweeds. A problem for unupdated blogs.

Friday, June 17, 2005


Aaaaaggghhhh! We’re devolving again. Cold-blooded, slithering reptiles are we.

To add insult to injury it looks like we’re out of Spiderman III, but on the plus side we have regenerative powers.

Hissssss. Linksssss. We need linksssssss.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Happy Bloomsday!

Happy Bloomsday!

Today, June 16th, is Bloomsday or the 101st annual celebration of the single day in 1904 chronicled in James Joyce’s Ulysses.

STATELY, PLUMP BUCK MULLIGAN CAME FROM THE STAIRHEAD, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently-behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

-- Introibo ad altare Dei.

James Joyce fans celebrate Bloomsday worldwide by reading Ulysses aloud, following the footsteps of main characters Stephen Dedalus and Leopold Bloom through Dublin, pretending they have actually read Ulysses, or just getting knackered on pints of Guinness at the local pub.

Truth be told, Mr. Scriblerus never made it past the Lestrygonians chapter. I did skip ahead to the famous Molly Bloom yes” soliloquy with the naughty (circa 1922) bits:

... I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
I’ll pick up Ulysses again, I promise. And I’ll read it right through this time. Right after I get through the Brothers Karamazov...

You can buy Ulysses at Amazon. Or you can read etext Ulysses in its entirety on the web at Online-Literature or Bibliomania. You can speed read the BBC’s cheater’s edition here. You can delve into the scholarly minutia here. A copy of the Cliff’s Notes is available here. You can buy the DVD, it’s faster than reading. You can watch the classic scene in Rodney Dangerfield's Back to School. You can find a place to buy a pint of Guinness here. Or read about contemporary Irish author Roddy Doyle’s backlash against Joyce-Dublin-Industrial complex.

Until Bloomsday next...

History, said Stephen, is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

That Is So NOT Fabulous

Kid Various has discovered the new meme du jour…. “meth mouth.

Yes, apparently smoking crystal meth is really, really bad for your teeth. Follow the link above at your peril. It’s pretty frightening.

Apparently lithium, muriatic and sulfuric acids, ether, red phosphorus and lye are “key ingredients” of crystal meth (and here Kid Various was silly enough to think it was Vitamin A) and work to dissolve tooth enamel with great alacrity.

The Government says that you can go from looking like Vanna White to a resident of the British Isles in only a few short months.

Of course, the Government also says that marijuana will make you a homicidal killer.

And you don’t even have to smoke the crank to get meth mouth. Snorting crystal meth seems to be just as bad because it draws the corrosive substances down the nasal passages, where it drains into the throat and immerses the teeth in the poisonous “key ingredients” (where did they get that information, the nutritional data on the side of the box?)

What do we learn from this? If you’re going to do crystal meth, inject it for God’s sake!

Funny because Kid Various every so often gets “tooth decay dreams” where his teeth will just start falling out. *shiver* The good thing is that The Kid realizes that this will never happen, because he doesn’t smoke crystal meth, because, despite all rumour to the contrary, he is not gay.

How the ‘F’ did crystal meth become an identifiable facet of the gay culture along with Judy Garland and hair product?

Kid Various has been to his share of gay pride parades (only looking) and has never seen a float drive by with a gaggle of men smoking the rock. A gaggle of built men in rainbow thongs suggestively stroking 6 foot phalluses to the beat of the Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men,” yes. But smoking rock…never.

Although that guy walking down 5th avenue in a g-string, feather boa and heels did look like he could use a set of veneers. (Can you imagine walking from 57th street down to the Village in 8 inch heels? That guy was dedicated to the Cause.)

Maybe that dream represents a latent fear that Kid Various is gay!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

A Long Time Ago

A long, long time ago in a suburb far, far away...

Mr. Scriblerus went to Burger King and purchased two sets of these glasses from Return of the Jedi free with my purchase of a large beverage:

This past weekend, Mr. Scriblerus' Mom cleaned out her attic and unearthed a box with 8 of these glasses in mint condition, not even a chip or a crack, plus a bonus glass from the Empire Strikes Back. OK, it's not exactly a copy of Action Comics #1 or even a Mickey Mantle rookie card, but does anybody know... am I like rich or what? The Force is totally with me on this one, right?

Hey anyone know how to work Ebay?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Closet is Collapsing

This is what happens when you repress being gay for too long.

What the F?!


In researching the last post, Kid Various went to the wikipedia entry for Hal Holbrook.

Which led to the entry for Deep Throat.

Which led to the entry for Deep throating.

Which led to the entry for French kissing.

Which led to this particular photograph:

Now that image has to be photoshopped because that has never happened in real life.

At any-time. Or anywhere.

Follow The Money

His family desperate to cash in before he shuffles of the mortal coil, yesterday former number 2 at the FBI W. Mark Felt revealed himself to be the mysterious "Deep Throat," the secret source to the Washington Post during the Watergate scandal.

Damn! Kid Various would have bet money it was Hal Holbrook.

He was even listed in the credits!