Panda Fails To Catch "Yellow Fever"

Sadly, after 1 and one half years of preparations, Mexican Giant Panda Shaun Shaun failed to "get it on" with suave, yet inscrutable Japanese Giant Panda Ling Ling.

Shuan Shuan, 18 and born in Mexico, was flown back from Japan earlier this week, dashing hopes that a far eastern romance might get her pregnant, after attempts to spark chemistry with Beijing-born Ling Ling, 20, fizzled out.

"We couldn't get them to mate," said Mexico City zoo director Rafael Tinajero sadly.

Despite all the beatings and tequila.

Keepers hoped romance would blossom between Shuan Shuan and Ling Ling after the pair seemed to flirt -- urinating, sniffing and eyeing each other -- on past trips Ling Ling made to Mexico to provide sperm for artificial insemination.

Urinating never worked for Kid Various either...

A scene from "Panda Ass Masters IV"
Despite liberal use of panda porn,
Ling Ling just wasn't that interested.

Although it was reported that Ling Ling (who's relatively unknown in America but is HUGE in Japan) felt that Shaun Shaun was a very nice girl, he just "wasn't that into her."

The vagaries of panda attraction remain ever a mystery.

Or perhaps not.

Shuan Shuan was on heat twice during her sojourn at Tokyo's Ueno zoo but Ling Ling seemed put off by the fact his new lady friend weighed 30 kg (66 lbs) more than him, Tinajero said.

Oh now we get it...


Geez, would it have killed Shaun Shaun to get on the stairmaster a couple of times a week?

"It makes us sad, but what can we do?" said her keeper, Joel Frias, as he prepared her lunch -- a stew of rice, mashed apple, grated carrots, chicken bits and chopped nopal cactus.

How about Nutrisystem^TM?