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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

God does USA Favor. Wipes Last Vestige Of French Culture Off Map

With 80% of New Orleans under water and the death toll rising, people have begun to ask, as they did during the Asian Tsunami, "Why God, have you caused this tragedy to happen?"

Now it can be revealed. As Kid Various has long had God's digits (how else has he been able to have access to such wisdom?) he called the Big Man himself to ask about his reasons for adding the Big Easy to the list behind Sodom and Gomorrah.

Was it because the Big Easy was too "easy?"

God: What? You mean the Mardi Gras thing?

Kid: Well some people have been have just been saying. You know how crazy it gets down there; open containers on the street, girls gone wild flashing their tits, gay penguins...

God: Nah, that ain't it at all. I mean, yeah, I generally frown on the hedonism thing but, it's not fire and brimstone stuff. Geez, even the catholics have got to cut loose once in a while.

Kid: So what then?

God: It's the French.

Kid: The French?

God: Yeah, basically I've had it up to here with their whiny attitudes. Someone's got to bitch slap them. This is the first in an expected string of misfortunes to be delivered on French culture.

Kid: So why New Orleans?

God: Well you need to warm up first. Don't expect sulphur to rain down and consume Paris anytime soon. Besides, "Nawlin's" is basically the last vestige of French culture left in the United States. Ultimately I'm doing you guys a favor. It's like lancing a boil. Now you guys can rebuild the French Quarter bigger and better as the "Freedom Quarter."

Kid: But what about all those people in Mississippi?

God: Well, you can't make an omlette without breakin' a few eggs, know what I mean?

Kid: So basically, you're willing to go on record as sort of the ultimate francophobe.

God: Well I would, except that the word "francophobe" technically means "fear of France." And given the French level of ferocity the past few hundred years, I'd say that's about as close to the definition of an oxymoron as you're going to get.

Kid: Can you let us in on the next frankish target of the Almighty's wrath?

God: Of course I can't, but I wouldn't book a vacation to French Polynesia anytime within the next 2 months if you know what I mean. No wait, three months. No, no... two months.

So there it is folks. Just to recap...

Mardi Gras...not responsible

French...definitely responsible.


At Tuesday, August 30, 2005 at 7:53:00 PM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought God was a woman.

At Wednesday, August 31, 2005 at 2:11:00 AM EDT, Blogger Kid Various said...

God'd like Santa Claus. He's anything you want him to be.

At Wednesday, August 31, 2005 at 3:24:00 AM EDT, Anonymous Jim - PRS said...

I'm partial to The Great Pumpkin, which/who is, of course, asexual.

At Saturday, September 3, 2005 at 10:37:00 PM EDT, Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

That was funny.
Tasteless, but funny.

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