The Idiom

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Friday, March 18, 2005

A Rebuttal From Children and Breeders

In rebuttal to the previous post, Mr. Scriblerus would like to make a few points in defense of children and "breeders" in general.

First, Mr. Scriblerus is arguably, at this time, the only non-evolutionary dead end among your panel of Editors at the Idiom. From a strict biological standpoint, unless your genes are able to pass into the next generation, you do not matter. Having children is a biological imperative. Not having children is a socio-economic lifestyle choice facilitated in the 20th and 21st centuries by our highly sophisticated level of civilization, advanced technology, division of labor, and effective birth control.

Second, there are plenty of places for childless people like Kid Various and Mr. Surly to go enjoy themselves in an environment sans progeny. Besides North Dakota there are taverns, casinos, adult book stores, construction sites, go-go bars, active adult communities...

Third, I do concede that Kid Various' views on reproduction are clear and his self-assessed lack of parenting skills are apparent. It is true that until he gets a better pickup line or he will not be at bat in the reproduction game any time soon. Who needs birth control when your best line involves Green Lantern, August Strindberg, or serial killers? Talk about natural selection. Although, to perpetuate himself beyond his own lifespan, I suppose alternatives to sexual reprodution like budding or cloning are always available, at least until they perfect immortality technology. But one not of caution, Kid the "Peter Pan" syndrome if left untreated, can end badly.

Fourth, the dictionary definition of Schadenfreude should read: Mr. Scriblerus seeing an acutely embarrassed Mr. Surly trudging through the local Acme pricing out jumbo packs of Huggies while lugging around a diaper bag, bottle, toys, shopping cart and his screaming rugrat throwing a tantrum. Mr. Scriblerus can't wait for Mr. Surly to try out some of his parenting wisdom then.
Sorry guys can't blog today Surly, Jr. was up all night with the colic.
- Mr. Surly in the not so distant future.

Fifth, Kid Various and Mr. Surly were once children. I am certain they engaged in ill-mannered, disruptive behavior in public much to the chagrin of their own parents. Neither one of them sprang forth fully-formed like Athena from the head of Zeus. Note for Darth Edward - that's two Greek Mythology references in two days.

However, in one regard my co-editors are right on the money. Parents should not be taking their toddlers to R-rated movies and letting them run all around the theater because they could not find a baby-sitter that night. That's just wrong.

We breeders will continue to dominate society. You can't escape us. We will keep your property taxes sky high, run over you with our strollers at the mall, clog your primetime TV airwaves with safe family-friendly fare and disrupt your airline flights.

Just remember:
For all their disposable income, for all their leisure time, they had no immunity against God's lowliest creatures; children.
- Lisa Simpson.


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