North Dakota: Child Free Zone

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, North Dakota's birth rate has declined nearly every year since 1982. The number of children ages 5 through 13 declined by 381,000 between 2003 and 2004. When Kid Various gets finished playing in the Sandbox, he may want to consider moving to North Dakota which is rapidly becoming child free. The Kid, a likely evolutionary dead end, is a supporter of the child free movement. So even if the geek supermodel the Kid has been holding out for ever materializes, the Kid still won't be reproducing.

[Kid Various] So, Elle, you lead such a fascinating life. Let me ask you, in your opinion, who do you think was a better Green Lantern, Kyle Rayner or Jon Stewart?

[Elle McPherson] Well, um, I’m not sure. Probably Kyle Rayner?

[Kid Various] Wrong! It was a trick question! Everyone knows Hal Jordan was by far the best Green Lantern!

[Elle McPherson] Well, I…

[Kid Various] I’m sorry. This date is over. You know, you can have all the sex in the world. But in the end, you have to be able to talk to each other.

Which brings us to . . .

A COLLOQUY ON THE CHILDFREE MOVEMENT WITH MR. SURLY AND KID VARIOUS

The child free movement is composed of people like the Kid who choose not to have children because of the numerous sacrifices parents are required to make. They also oppose discrimination against childless people in the form of child tax credits and the like.

It’s not so much the tax credits, although that doesn’t thrill me. But I can see the logic in subsidizing unsuspecting parents into raising the taxpayers who’ll be giving me my measly $70 a month social security check some 40 years from now.

It’s more then sacrifice. Let’s face it. I’m not responsible enough to own a freaking cat (this is not a catblog.) I’m just not into giving up all my time and money to someone else. It’s mine! All mine, you understand? Go! Go! Go! Down! Down! Down! Mine! Mine! Mine! I’m rich. I’m a happy miser…

Come on, let’s be honest. A child is a money suck for 18 years (more if you are the parents of Kid Various.) My hypothetical wife can work (and she will – I’m all about women’s liberation!) but a kid? Not unless we move to Indonesia my friend.

Oh yeah, and The Kid has an aversion to vomit. -KV

Mr. Surly is not jumping on the child free bandwagon, but I have to say there are some legitimate reasons to gripe about people with children. Anyone whose ever been in a movie theater, plane or any other confined space with someone's misbehaving child knows what I am talking about. However, I don't begrudge parents the benefits they are entitled to as a result of having children, as I am likely to have kids oneday myself.

How does forgetting to put on the condom entitle you to anything? - KV

Preferred parking for mothers with small children at the supermarket has got to go though. There's no legally enforceable way restrict parking like that except to take away my supermarket card. Plus, based upon all the times I have been nailed in the back by shopping carts propelled by kids or parents distracted by kids, further encouragment to bring children to a busy supermarket is not needed.

Kid Various loves parking in those spaces! Thank you for keeping them open so The Kid can cut off a minivan packed to the gills with screaming children and park his big, honking, gas guzzling SUV only 20 feet from the supermarket.- KV

All Mr. Surly asks of parents is to use some common sense. Parents need to teach children that the rest of the world is not one big playground where they can scream, jump, yell, knock shit over and generally annoy other people to their heart's content. If that's not possible, leave the kids at home until they can behave. I know that may difficult, but it's not impossible. Trust me, your car will be keyed much less.

That’s what you’d like to think parents would do Mr. Surly, but it’s just not true. Everyone thinks “Oh my kid will be different. I will keep my kid in line.”

F*cking Bullsh*t! They’re children! It’s not their fault. The age of reason is generally held to be seven (or 36 in Kid Various’ case.)

Before that time, children cannot accurately connect cause and effect. They can’t ponder the consequences of their action. They are completely self absorbed and unaware of other people (again, sort of like Kid Various.) So they can’t project into the future, which means you are constantly after them at all times.

[PARENT] Drop that! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it!

[PARENT] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

[PARENT] Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! -KV

Until parents can adopt these proposals, I may have to spend some time visiting Kid Various in North Dakota. Or maybe not. It's really freezing there in the winter and not nearly as cool as nearby Montana.

Well if you are waiting for parents to adopt these proposals, get your parka and join The Kid in the home state of Lawrence Welk.

Because the vast majority of adults become parents, there’s a wink and a nod when it comes to totally outrageous behaviour on the part of their progeny. Again, it’s not the kid’s fault. They’re children, which means, by definition, they’re retarded. Would you blame a retarded person for disruptive behaviour? Of course not. Kid Various places the blame squarely where it belongs…on the parents.

The Kid has been accused of being selfish because he has no desire to reproduce. But when parents expect the rest of the world to suffer their children because they have to, that’s the ultimate selfishness.

If Kid Various defecated in the beverage cart on the airplane, he’d be arrested. But if a three year old does it, well he’s just being “fussy.”

Until the age of reason, children simply should not be taken out in public. At least they should not be taken to any situation that is not especially crafted for children. If The Kid goes to McDonald’s or Sesame Place, he puts himself in that environment. But young children simply should not be taken on planes, trains, or into movie theatres or restaurants or museums because they cannot be controlled. And then when the parents get stuck with a hysterical, flailing child on a 6 hour plane ride, they give you the look like “Hey, he’s a kid. What do you want me to do?”

That’s just totally unacceptable!

What Kid Various wants you to do is remember that you are part of a society and you can’t inflict your children on other people! Kid Various wants you to think ahead and slightly outside the bubble of your own needs. This shouldn’t have to be a law, like a no smoking section. It should just be common f*cking courtesy! Why would you even put yourself in that position of having to hurt other people? Why do parents even feel the need to bring them out of the house? Are there no TV’s? Are there no Playstations?

Kid Various is having a rage blackout just thinking about it! -KV