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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Happy Caffeine Awareness Month!

You were all probably blissfully unaware that March is Caffeine Awareness Month! Happy Caffeine Awareness Month everyone! Mr. Scriblerus is very aware of caffeine, but not of Caffeine Awareness Month.

So what is Caffeine Awarenss Month all about? Do we celebrate caffeine, the most wonderful of wonder drugs that powers our post-industrial, information-driven global economy? Do we pay homage to the coffee, tea, colas, and other assorted beverages that get us through college, work, and other essential nocturnal activities? Maybe we could all audit a college class in the subject?

Sadly, no. Caffeine Awareness Month the handiwork of an insidious cabal called the Caffeine Awareness Alliance. They created this Trojan Horse of a fake holiday to further their nefarious plot to take away our coffee. The CAA is at this moment spreading the evil propaganda that caffeine is an intoxicating and addictive drug with long term dangers to your health. Naive and foolish leaders have already fallen victim to this group's anti-caffeine agenda. Governors in Wiscosin, Nebraska, and New Jersey have signed on to the CAA proclamation along with mayors in 10 major cities across the nation.

Behind this health facade, note the thinly veiled threat in this news release:
Caffeine's Days Are Numbered in Brentwood California:
Brentwood, CA - (March 11, 2005) Following in the steps of the cities of Los Angeles, Santa Cruz and Chino, the city of Brentwood California has been proclaimed for National Caffeine Awareness Month. Mayor Brian Swisher has signed a proclamation declaring March as National Caffeine Awareness Month. This event marks the first time the city of Brentwood addresses the issues about caffeine intoxication and dependency...

Brentwood is one of several cities across the country recognizing this annual event. This will be the third year for this event which is sponsored by the Caffeine Awareness Alliance, a non-profit organization. Marina Kushner, founder, states, "Each year more and more people are waking up to the real truth about the dangers of this ubiquitous drug. We are delighted that 3 mayors of California have recognized the importance of this event. We expect Governor Schwarznegger to sign our proclamation as well." Prior years have seen ways of celebrating this event ranging from educational events in school, helping the medical community to educate their clients and even picketing outside coffee houses.
The CAA's rhetoric aligns caffeine with other "hard" drugs such as cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamines. The CAA also promotes the term "caffeineism" (think alcoholism) to denote caffeine addiction. Can a push to ban caffeine be far behind? CAA founder Marina Kushner already has the answer to a coffee-free world. The CAA is really just Kushner's front group hawking her product Soyfee, a soy-based, non-caffeinated coffee "alternative." As the propaganda wing of the Caffeine Free Soy Product Industrial Complex, you can expect the CAA to stop at nothing to replace our cuppa joe with a healthful, organic, caffeine free, soy alternative.
Imagine the a world without caffeinated coffee. Narcoleptic workers would collapse at their desks. Urgent deadlines would go unmet. Tests would be failed. Blogs left un-updated. In a word - anarchy. Society as we know it would crumble leaving the door wide open for those anarcho-syndicalist Soyfee-drinking hippies to take over.
Coffee drinkers of the world unite! First they took our cigarettes, now they are after our coffee! What's next our beer, wine and liquor? I suppose those aren't good for us either! I say no more. We must resist. Everyone should run, not walk, down to the nearest Starbucks (there's bound to be one on the next corner anyway) and order a triple-shot, grande-venti, extra-caffeinated expresso to protest Caffeine Awareness Month. Together we the hordes of jittery, anxious bloggers who are going to up all night anyway, can put a stop to this clandestine conspiracy to deprive us of our coffee!

Remember as Thomas Jefferson said, "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

17 Comments:

At Tuesday, March 15, 2005 at 4:26:00 PM EST, Blogger Christina said...

Nefarious is right!

 
At Tuesday, March 15, 2005 at 10:20:00 PM EST, Anonymous LeeAnn said...

They will take my coffee from me the day they pry it from my shaking dead hands.
Right after they remove my teeth from their jugular.
Fascists.

 
At Wednesday, March 16, 2005 at 11:41:00 AM EST, Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

Notfernuthinbut -

"give me coffee or give me death"

 
At Wednesday, March 16, 2005 at 11:45:00 AM EST, Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said...

And the more caffeine we have, the more aware we become!

 
At Wednesday, March 16, 2005 at 5:07:00 PM EST, Blogger Rocky Smith said...

I whined loudly when cigarettes got whacked with a huge tax increase. I'm not suprised that coffee made the hit list along with alcohol and fattening food. What's next? My sex life?

 
At Thursday, April 7, 2005 at 11:30:00 AM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting

If you do a google search under "s oyfee" and start clicking on the links you'll find out how deep the rabitt hole really is.

If you do this, you'll find about 200 book reviews each with a line that says "google for s oyfee". So basically, the author has replaced legit book reviews with advertisements for their product.

To Research: Click on each link from the google search and do a find (cntrl + f) on the page for "s oyfee" (no quotes).

 
At Friday, July 29, 2005 at 7:00:00 PM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

not the coffee... those bastards!

 
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