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Friday, March 11, 2005

Panda Pandering, Cont'd.

Aha! Here’s the real reason why Mie Xiang has yet to get knocked up!


Kid Various thinks one of the zoo keepers has to have a talk with Tian Tian about the birds & the bears. The Kid knows what you’re thinking…”Kid Various, you’re so silly! Everyone knows giant pandas aren’t really bears! They’re more related to raccoons!”

In reality, it seems that Mie Xiang has rather unrealistic standards. Hey, that’s ok! Sometimes we all have an improbable opinion of ourselves and feel we shouldn’t have to settle. Kid Various himself is holding out for a supermodel who knows why Hal Jordan was a much better Green Lantern than Kyle Rayner. Predictably this has left him with a lot of free time but with the experience necessary to know what Mie Xiang really needs: A big set of beer goggles!

The curators of the National Zoo have to drag Mie Xiang down to Adams Morgan and plow her with enough pink squirrels until Tian Tian begins to look like Brad Pitt.

Or Pitt Pitt.

Oh whatever the f*ck it is a female panda would like to do.

The only problem with this is that if Mie Xiang brought a complaint to the EEOC, the National Zoo might open itself to a lawsuit (there’s already one going down at the monkey house) or a visit from the sexual harassment panda. Yes the sexual harassment panda – available for corporate functions everywhere.

Who lives in peace 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there..
Don't be nasty says the silly old bear!
He's come to teach you what's right and wrong..
Sexual Harassment Panda!

2 Comments:

At Friday, March 11, 2005 at 10:16:00 PM EST, Blogger MrSurly said...

I didn't think the reason you don't date much was becasue you were waiting for geek supermodels. I thought you were waiting for the Pon Farr to strike.

 
At Monday, March 14, 2005 at 2:11:00 PM EST, Blogger Alice said...

The real reason why the pandas haven't procreated is because size really does matter. Most male pandas aren't well-enough endowed to impregnate the female pandas because they're too "short."

Swear to G*d, I'm not making this up. Read it in a magazine article not so long ago.

 

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