Monkey Business

Kid Various knew that teaching apes to communicate through sign language was a bad idea. What the hell is an ape going to tell you that's useful? Did anyone think that maybe they had discovered a cure for cancer and that the only thing holding them back from sharing it was the language barrier? Teaching them to communicate with humans can only give them bad ideas. Pretty soon, they're going to want the vote. And the Kid has no desire to end up on a random beach, thrashing in the surf, wailing "Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!!"

And you know, the Kid never thought of it, but it was inevitable that sooner or later it would come down to this:

Two women who helped care for a famous gorilla have sued the foundation nurturing Koko, saying they were fired for refusing to show the animal their breasts, lawyers said on Friday.

The lawsuit says the president of the Gorilla Foundation, Francine Patterson, sought to have the women bond with the gorilla by performing "bizarre sexual acts with Koko."

"Through sign language, as interpreted by Patterson, Koko 'demanded' plaintiffs remove their clothing and show Koko their breasts," the lawsuit said.

That's right. Apes are now sexually harassing people and people are suing over it. Welcome to America Koko. Maybe there really is something to President Bush's tort reform idea after all. Does it have an ape exclusion?
One wonders, however, just why the women aren't suing the gorilla for creating a "hostile work environment."

Oh yeah. Gorillas don't have money. Only Banannas.

[JUDGE] Koko, the Court orders you to pay damages totalling 2.5 million
banannas!

[KOKO] [Sign for] Aw, this is BULLSH*T!!!

And just what is the sign for "Show us your tits!" anyway? This could be useful for all those times that the Kid runs across deaf women at Mardi Gras.