Onion Article Actually Describes Area Man’s Life

An article in this week’s issue of The Onion, America’s finest news source, reportedly describes to a “T” the life of local legend affectionately known as “Dope.”

Just one of the 12,000 young people TFA has burned through since 1990, Cuellen was given five weeks of training the summer before he took over a classroom at P.S. 83 in the South Bronx last September.

"I walked into that school actually thinking I could make a difference," said Cuellen, who taught an overflowing class of disadvantaged 8-year-olds. "It was trial by fire. But after five months spent in a stuffy, dark room where the chalkboard fell off the wall every two days, corralling screaming kids into broken desks, I'm burnt to a crisp."

“Oh yeah, that’s Dope alright,” said Kid Various, blog author and local raconteur. “It’s funny. Usually The Onion is more or less a satire. Taking a grain of truth and stretching it for comic effect. But that’s really Dope’s life. It’s really him.”

“I mean for Christ’s sake, how else can you explain his recent bolting of the educational profession for library science of all things?” Various added.