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Monday, April 18, 2005

You Don't Have To Walk A Mile, The Camel Cage Is Right Next Door!

The other year a much ballyhooed study came out that stated that the phylogenic description of chimpanzees should be changed:

New analyses show humans and chimpanzees to be 99.4 percent identical in the functionally-important DNA, which codes for proteins and is shaped by natural selection. This provides further evidence for revisions in our genus classification. Dr. Goodman proposes that all living apes should occupy the family Hominidae (which currently contains only humans), and that both humans and chimpanzees should occupy the genus Homo.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But hey, as far as Kid Various is concerned, whatever our chimp friends do in the privacy of their own cage is completely their own business.

But today, additional evidence for reclassifying Pan Troglodyte is in. (I mean besides that field trip to Mr. Surly's house) Yes, in a stunning discovery, it seems that, like humans, chimpanzees love to smoke!

A South African zoo is trying to persuade its star chimpanzee to kick a bad smoking habit.

Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them - a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday.

Charlie is not the only smoking chimpanzee. A zoo in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou reported last year that one of its chimps had taken up smoking and was desperately bumming cigarette butts off visitors.

Jesus freakin' Christmas! Don't those chimps know smoking is bad for them??? It says so right on the pack!

They were probably lured into it by the evil tobacco companies and their slick "Marlboro Chimp" advertising. This could be a whole new line of revenue for the zoos; suing tobacco companies for Medic-ape costs.

Or maybe it's just peer pressure. Sure, they all hang around the alpha male for appearances but all the chimpettes secretly dig that lone ape in the corner, taking a drag on his Raleigh. He don't need nobody MAN! He's a REBEL!

All kidding aside, who's exhibiting more stupidity? The chimp in the cage? Or the chimps outside the cage who are actually throwing them freakin' cigarettes? How far has society degraded that we have to put up a sign at the freakin' zoo:

Please do not allow animals to bum cigarettes

Hey buddy...Gotta light?


At Monday, April 18, 2005 at 10:38:00 AM EDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No smoking in zoos? Are they kidding me? Pretty soon they're going to start banning chimps from smoking in bars too. I mean the "real" chimps...they've already stopped NY Orangutans from inhaling.


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