This Universe Brought to You By…

Scientists at the Brookhaven National Laboratory have discovered that in the microseconds after the Big Bang, all the matter of the universe was liquid.

New results from a particle collider suggest that he universe behaved like a liquid in its earliest moments, not the fiery gas that was thought to have pervaded the first microseconds of existence.

And that liquid, scientists said, was cool, refreshing Coca Cola.

Scientists have long pondered why our smooth and crisp universe is preferred 3 to 1 over alternate universes.

“Thirsty non-existence was banished in a microsecond by a bracing cocktail of amalgamated cola particles we call “revitalons,” scientists revealed.

Some one hundred microseconds seconds later, the liquid universe differentiated into the familiar “Coke Classic” particles we know today and its lighter “Diet Coke” cousin.

Scientists speculate that there may have been a third “New Coke” particle that existed briefly as universe differentiated, but it was not as energizing or thirst quenching as the other two particles and blinked out of existence almost as soon as it appeared.

The particle experiments demonstrate exactly how crisp and inviting Coca Cola became the universal standard for relief from thirst and provides a crucial insight into how life developed. Organic chemistry experiments last year done for the National Institutes of Health revealed how Coke ions are critical in the functioning of organic matter, bringing sorely needed refreshment to an organism's “Q zone.”

*The Brookhaven Laboratory is underwritten by a grant from the Coca Cola coporation.