The Funniest Comedian You Never Heard Of
What a F*cking waste. Comedian Mitch Hedberg died yesterday apparently
of a drug overdose.
His unique style evolved from his excessive stage fright. He would wear sunglasses, not look directly at the audience and just mumble out absurdist one-liners in a stoner monotone. It was damned brilliant and Kid Various is way jealous that he didn't think of it first. The Kid has stolen more Mitch jokes than he'd care to admit (never on stage.)
It's like Kurt all over again.
He was the funniest comedian you never heard of...
"Has anyone seen me on Lettermen? 2 billion people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. In fact, that would be a good intro... 'You may have seen thise next comedian at the store'"
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."
"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree"
"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
"I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. "
"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
"A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive."
"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty."
"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the
documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under 'D'."
"My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."
"I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.'"
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."