The “Man” Seeks Extinction of “Hippies of the Jungle”, Hippies

According to primatologist Claudine Andre, activities of humans (or “Man” for short) are responsible for the near extinction of Bonobo chimpanzees, sometime referred to as the “hippies of the jungle.”

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Pygmy chimpanzees dubbed "hippies of the forest" for resolving conflicts through sex rather than violence are dying out faster than ever in post- Democratic Republic of Congo, a conservationist said on Tuesday.

Bonobos, the rarest of all the great apes, are being killed in large numbers by bands of gunmen two years after the vast central African country's most recent war officially ended.

…Only found in remote corners of Congo -- a vast and inaccessible country that has been torn apart by a decade of war -- the "forgotten ape" is said by scientists to be one of the least hostile primates.

"The bonobo's outlook is to search for peace," Andre said. "All their conflicts are resolved peacefully, often through sex. They are the hippies of the forest."

Two bonobos vigorously “resolving conflict”
over the Iranian nuclear program.
Similarly, due to actions of The Man and increasingly cultural irrelevance, extinction is also likely for *actual* hippies, who with their hairy and unkempt appearance sometimes are actually confused with bonobos.

Although they once roamed the American landscape in great numbers, the hippie population has dwindled greatly over the past 30 years and is now centered in specially preserved enclaves such as Berkeley and Santa Monica.

Evolutionary scientists theorize that the hippie population began to decline due to an inability to adapt to a changing environment and the maladaptive nature of certain evolutionary adaptations.

“Basically, they are not well evolutionarily suited to their environment,” said Darth Roger, PhD. “Their evolutionary adaptations of smoking dope, free love and holding large, open air rock concerts did not do much to enhance their survival value in the cold, unforgiving world of nature. Long story short – they’re much too easy prey.”


The re-election of President Bush is seen as a blow for
the survival prospects of both bonobos and hippies.
The imminent extinction of Bonobos is seen as direct consequence of President Bush’s racist & genocidal policies which is why locals often refer to bonobo flesh as “Bush Meat”

Rallying to prevent their imminent demise, a group of Bonobos, some carrying signs reading “Bush Meat = Hitler” and some sporting shirts that read “Eat My Bush!” with arrows pointing to their groins held a press conference today with Dr. Andre.

A well-organised bush meat trade and crippling poverty in the forests compound the threat to the apes.

"(Bush meat) is demanded by the urban population and as the people in the forests have no option, they are chopping down trees to make charcoal and trapping animals for bush meat," Andre said.

The obscenely profitable “Bush Meat” trade is dominated by the Halliburton Corporation, whose former CEO is current Vice-President Dick Cheney. Halliburton has used the poverty of locals as an excuse to ramp up production of their corporate goods.

Andre continued with a dire warning that the bonobos would not be the last species targeted by “The Man.”

"If man destroys his closest cousin, he might destroy all animal species," she added, as a group of young bonobos drank from a bottle, ate bananas and had sex in a cage behind her.

Unfortunately, like real hippies, pacifist, dope-smoking bonobos with signs are no match for angry, gun-toting men ready to do violence. And, unlike real hippies, bonobos do not have the US Marines standing between them and the violent men.

Almost certain to go extinct at the hands of The Man without outside assistance, plans are being made to help the bonobos by holding a large, open air rock concert organized by Bono (bo). Studies are also being conducted concerning the feasibility of relocating the remaining bonobo population to Burning Man.